Jesus H. Christ
Written on 2002-12-08, at 11:41 p.m.
DumbGenius7 (10:55:27 PM): jesus christ, where the hell were you?
iamrealjesus (10:55:40 PM): hello!!
DumbGenius7 (10:55:50 PM): i've been waiting at the pearly gates for twenty minutes now, and you're still not here to greet me
iamrealjesus (10:56:20 PM): man, I'm sorry! listen up try living a day in my shoes and see how often YOU are on time mister
DumbGenius7 (10:56:53 PM): hmmm, i guess. i'm sorry for being so hard on you, jesus. but when ARE you getting here?
iamrealjesus (10:57:18 PM): in good time!
DumbGenius7 (10:57:41 PM): well golly, that's really specific...
DumbGenius7 (10:58:57 PM): hmm, and now you're going to keep me in suspense, waiting for a response, too
DumbGenius7 (10:59:17 PM): geez, i pray every day, follow all the sacraments, and what do I get? an unpunctual jesus
iamrealjesus (10:59:34 PM): well you can't have everything!
DumbGenius7 (10:59:50 PM): true. but if I try sometime, I might find, I get what I need.
DumbGenius7 (11:00:00 PM): and I need to see you. now.
DumbGenius7 (11:01:56 PM): *sigh* some welcome wagon you are
iamrealjesus (11:02:15 PM): so what brings you to HEAVEN, soldier??
DumbGenius7 (11:02:33 PM): well, um, it's kind of embarassing...
iamrealjesus (11:02:48 PM): try me
DumbGenius7 (11:03:40 PM): see, I stubbed my toe while scrambling around in the dark after a massive orgy (but this was a christian orgy, mind you, so it's okay). and somehow, by stubbing my toe, I messed up a nerve ending, and... well, here I am, dead
iamrealjesus (11:04:21 PM): a christian orgy!!
DumbGenius7 (11:04:30 PM): why, yes. didn't they have those in your day?
iamrealjesus (11:04:50 PM): nooo, it was just me and all the guys and what fun is that?
DumbGenius7 (11:05:03 PM): ....
DumbGenius7 (11:05:11 PM): so, there weren't christian orgies in your day?
iamrealjesus (11:05:21 PM): it would have just been a SAUSAGE PARTY
DumbGenius7 (11:05:27 PM): OH MY LORD JESUS, I'VE BEEN LIVING A LIE!
DumbGenius7 (11:05:55 PM): they told me that it was perfectly christian! every single one of them!
iamrealjesus (11:06:00 PM): hahahaha
DumbGenius7 (11:06:03 PM): and I told them, "no, i don't think it is"
iamrealjesus (11:06:08 PM): so were you the engine or the caboose??
DumbGenius7 (11:06:12 PM): but they said, "yes, of course! now join us!"
DumbGenius7 (11:06:22 PM): so i did, and it was unchristian! egads!
DumbGenius7 (11:06:48 PM): ... well, if you must know, I was both... but that isn't the point!
DumbGenius7 (11:07:00 PM): wait... if it was unchristian, then how did I end up in heaven?
DumbGenius7 (11:07:23 PM): lord, I'm so confused!
iamrealjesus (11:08:05 PM): I'm so sorry!! well at least you ended up here!
DumbGenius7 (11:09:01 PM): yes, but... forgive me father, for I have sinned! i didn't know! I thought the orgy was part of an ancient, jesus ritual!
DumbGenius7 (11:09:06 PM): that's what they said!
iamrealjesus (11:09:11 PM): who is THEY
DumbGenius7 (11:10:05 PM): I don't see how that's relevant! it was THEM!
DumbGenius7 (11:11:32 PM): but, if you really want to know, I engaged in a foursome with my three friends, peter, paul, and mary. that would be "them"
iamrealjesus (11:12:02 PM): did they sing puff the magic dragon while you did it??
DumbGenius7 (11:12:30 PM): and they said that he lived by the sea! YES!
DumbGenius7 (11:12:33 PM): how did you know?
iamrealjesus (11:12:39 PM): I'm jesus, DUH
DumbGenius7 (11:12:43 PM): oh, right
iamrealjesus (11:13:37 PM): so what is your name??
DumbGenius7 (11:14:15 PM): well, my name WAS, since I'm dead, Walbert
DumbGenius7 (11:14:25 PM): Walbert the Third
iamrealjesus (11:14:27 PM): WALBERT!
DumbGenius7 (11:14:42 PM): why, yes
DumbGenius7 (11:15:01 PM): why are you surprised? i thought you knew my name, jesus
iamrealjesus (11:15:27 PM): there are a lot of predispositions about jesus
DumbGenius7 (11:15:42 PM): well, that's only natural, i guess. no one's seen you for 2000 years
DumbGenius7 (11:15:47 PM): well, except me. and other dead people
DumbGenius7 (11:16:00 PM): but we don't count
DumbGenius7 (11:16:40 PM): but lord, i'm still confused. why am i here?
iamrealjesus (11:18:05 PM): everyone's gone home for the night, just make yourself a bed in the clouds
DumbGenius7 (11:18:48 PM): are the clouds edible? because I haven't eaten anything since before the orgy, and the trip up here was pretty exhausting....
iamrealjesus (11:19:14 PM): yeah, they taste like roast beef
DumbGenius7 (11:19:28 PM): hmmm. are there any vegetarian clouds?
iamrealjesus (11:19:47 PM): yeah, they're in the carrot section
DumbGenius7 (11:20:08 PM): oh, where is that?
iamrealjesus (11:20:17 PM): over to the left
iamrealjesus (11:20:18 PM): they're orange
DumbGenius7 (11:20:36 PM): orange carrots? couldn't you guys up here come up with something more original?
DumbGenius7 (11:20:43 PM): oh well, i won't be picky. these be good eatin'
DumbGenius7 (11:21:01 PM): (munch munch munch)
DumbGenius7 (11:22:32 PM): ... um, these carrots are kind of drying me out. what's on tap around here?
iamrealjesus (11:23:26 PM): the champagne of beers!
DumbGenius7 (11:23:41 PM): ooooo. care to join me in a pint?
iamrealjesus (11:24:27 PM): sure!
DumbGenius7 (11:25:03 PM): yes! wow, I can't believe i'm having a beer with my buddy, jesus! this is sooooo coool! thanks jesus, you've just made my eternity!
DumbGenius7 (11:27:37 PM): so... what's there to do around here, anyway? I mean, besides eating roastbeef-clouds, orange carrots, and drinking this fine beer?
DumbGenius7 (11:30:32 PM): hmm, well, i see how it is. you're too busy for me.
DumbGenius7 (11:30:41 PM): some buddy your are. with friends like you, who needs friends?
iamrealjesus (11:31:02 PM): hey pal i am jesus!!
DumbGenius7 (11:31:32 PM): yeah, well, what would jesus do in a scenario like this one, huh? he wouldn't ignore a faithful follower....
iamrealjesus (11:31:59 PM): jesus is watching HOME ALONE 2
DumbGenius7 (11:32:32 PM): cool. what part are you at?
iamrealjesus (11:32:49 PM): where daniel stern gets NAILED IN THE ASS
DumbGenius7 (11:33:05 PM): with the staple gun?
iamrealjesus (11:33:23 PM): yep
DumbGenius7 (11:33:30 PM): sweeeeet
DumbGenius7 (11:34:47 PM): wait... should you be watching a more jesus-oriented christmas movie? like, that charlie brown special, or something?
iamrealjesus (11:35:42 PM): nope, HOME ALONE!
DumbGenius7 (11:36:09 PM): okay, okay.... jesus, no need to get so defensive. i didn't mean it, lord
DumbGenius7 (11:37:08 PM): well, i'll let you watch that movie. you guys have the internet up here, right?
iamrealjesus (11:37:18 PM): we sure do!
DumbGenius7 (11:37:29 PM): alright. i'm off to post this in my d-land, and then i'm going to bed
iamrealjesus (11:37:43 PM): ok what is your diaryland?
DumbGenius7 (11:37:57 PM): dumbgenius.diaryland.com. nothing spectacular, but it pays the bills
DumbGenius7 (11:39:05 PM): well, good night, jesus. enjoy the new-yorky antics of home alone two
iamrealjesus (11:39:10 PM): thank you!
iamrealjesus (11:39:12 PM): good buy
DumbGenius7 (11:39:17 PM): ttfn
iamrealjesus (11:39:35 PM): bye bye
iamrealjesus signed off at 11:41:39 PM.
- - 2005-05-11
- - 2005-02-10
- - 2005-01-12
- - 2004-11-21
- - 2004-08-31
And some of my favorite entries...
